Not saying Jesus was Black but he did throw a party while having a warrant out for his arrest.
60K likes2.5K replies852K views
How this book works
Each entry pairs one reply from the thread with the Bible passage it riffs on, then tells you what really happened. You laugh first, then you learn the story.
It all started with one post from @agunbreezzy on Threads: “Not saying Jesus was Black but he did throw a party while having a warrant out for his arrest.” It drew about 852K views and 2.5K replies. About 870 replies were collected for this book. Most were reactions (“this thread!”). The ones here point to a real passage.
The replies are kept as posted, cussing and all. That voice is why the thread blew up. The notes under them stay straight, so you can laugh and still walk away knowing the passage. The book laughs with Jesus and with the church, never at the faith.
From the comments: the reply as posted. Emojis are trimmed and long replies are cut with “…”; otherwise the words are untouched.
[The reference]: the passage it points to, quoted from the King James Version.
The real story: two or three sentences on what the passage says and why it matters.
Fact check: only when needed, where the joke stretched the story.
Every person quoted is credited on the last page.
Amen Corner
Before the Bible study starts, here’s what the comment section said about itself.
Did he just…yeah fuck it, I’m staying on threads the rest of the day
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I’m telling my mama I went to bible study this morning because y’all dropping knowledge lol. I love us
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What i love about this thread is although we got jokes...clearly WE KNOW about Christ
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I am never leaving this app.
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I’m an atheist, but that’s a fast follow
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This is the ONLY Bible study I need. As a cradle Catholic, I learned more from these comments than ALL my years in Church.
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I wish I could turn this thread into a coffee table book. This is a tour de force!
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A reading from the book of You See What Had Happened Was
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I wish yall would have referenced the verse to these. Got me wanting to open my bible
That last one is why this book exists.
Chapter 1
Born Into It
A borrowed manger, a stepdad who stepped up, and a refugee run to Egypt.
His pops knocked a woman up and left another Nigga to raise the baby
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[Matthew 1:18–19] Now the birth of Jesus Christ was on this wise: When as his mother Mary was espoused to Joseph, before they came together, she was found with child of the Holy Ghost. Then Joseph her husband, being a just man, and not willing to make her a publick example, was minded to put her away privily.
[Matthew 1:24] Then Joseph being raised from sleep did as the angel of the Lord had bidden him, and took unto him his wife.
The real story
Mary was engaged to Joseph when she turned up pregnant “of the Holy Ghost.” Joseph planned to end it quietly so she wouldn’t be shamed in public. After an angel spoke to him in a dream, he married her and raised Jesus as his own. The whole town knew Jesus as “the carpenter’s son” (Matthew 13:55).
Also in the comments
His mama was a baby mama because GOD never married her, plus he knocked her up while she was engaged to another man. #stoleHisgirl
All his siblings is half siblings from a different daddy
Fact check
Nobody left Joseph holding anything. He chose to stay, and Matthew calls him “a just man.” On the brothers and sisters (Mark 6:3): Protestants usually read them as Mary and Joseph’s later children, while Catholic and Orthodox tradition holds they were cousins or Joseph’s children from before.
Redlining the hotels and B&Bs so he had to be born in an animal garage …
[Luke 2:7] And she brought forth her firstborn son, and wrapped him in swaddling clothes, and laid him in a manger; because there was no room for them in the inn.
The real story
Mary and Joseph had to travel to Bethlehem for a Roman census, and every room was taken. The King of kings spent his first night in an animal’s feeding trough.
Also in the comments
His mom wrapped him in swaddling clothes because we don’t care about the weather. That baby could still be cold.
Ain’t nobody bringing gold and incense for a white baby
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[Matthew 2:11] And when they were come into the house, they saw the young child with Mary his mother, and fell down, and worshipped him: and when they had opened their treasures, they presented unto him gifts; gold, and frankincense, and myrrh.
The real story
Wise men from the east followed a star and brought gifts fit for a king. Frankincense is the incense. Myrrh was a spice used at burials, an early hint of how the story would end.
Also in the comments
My algorithm is run by 3 Wise Men, because this thread is gold, frankincense and myrrh.
Fact check
The Bible never says there were three wise men. It lists three gifts, and tradition counted one man per gift. They also found a “young child” in a house, so they came after the manger night.
[Matthew 2:13–14] …Arise, and take the young child and his mother, and flee into Egypt, and be thou there until I bring thee word: for Herod will seek the young child to destroy him. When he arose, he took the young child and his mother by night, and departed into Egypt.
The real story
King Herod saw the baby as a threat to his throne. An angel warned Joseph in a dream, and the family fled to Egypt, in Africa, as refugees. They stayed until Herod died (Matthew 2:19).
Also in the comments
In that time, it would be pretty hard to hide a white kid in egypt
He also talked back to his mama, and we didn’t hear a peep from him for 18 years
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[Luke 2:48–49] …Son, why hast thou thus dealt with us? behold, thy father and I have sought thee sorrowing. And he said unto them, How is it that ye sought me? wist ye not that I must be about my Father’s business?
The real story
At twelve, Jesus stayed behind at the Temple in Jerusalem, and his parents searched for three days. They found him asking the teachers questions. Luke then says he went home “and was subject unto them” (Luke 2:51), so he did obey his parents.
Also in the comments
There is no record of Jesus in the Bible from 12-30 cuz Mary and Joseph were sick of his ish after that temple mess and took away all his devices.
Fact check
The silence is real. The Gospels jump from age twelve to “about thirty years of age” (Luke 3:23).
When his momma came up to him after the wine at the wedding ran out, he said “woman, what does that have to do with me”
[John 2:3–5] And when they wanted wine, the mother of Jesus saith unto him, They have no wine. Jesus saith unto her, Woman, what have I to do with thee? mine hour is not yet come. His mother saith unto the servants, Whatsoever he saith unto you, do it.
The real story
Mary heard him, then turned to the servants and told them to do whatever he said anyway. Mama already knew. It became his first miracle (John 2:11).
Also in the comments
Was 33 years old and his mama was STILL all in his business telling him what he needed to do…
His mama pulled up to where he was at and somebody said “your mama outside.”
[Mark 3:31–32] There came then his brethren and his mother, and, standing without, sent unto him, calling him. And the multitude sat about him, and they said unto him, Behold, thy mother and thy brethren without seek for thee.
The real story
The house was so packed that his own family could not get in. Jesus used the moment to widen the family: “whosoever shall do the will of God, the same is my brother, and my sister, and mother” (Mark 3:35).
[John 7:5] For neither did his brethren believe in him.
The real story
His own brothers didn’t buy it at first. After the resurrection Jesus appeared to his brother James (1 Corinthians 15:7). Paul later calls him “James the Lord’s brother” (Galatians 1:19), and by Acts 15 James is speaking for the church in Jerusalem.
I knew he was Black when he went home to visit his mother and she said I knew you were out preaching and healing, but check this out, this roof is leaking, these chairs need mending, you also a carpenter to baby.
[Mark 6:3] Is not this the carpenter, the son of Mary, the brother of James, and Joses, and of Juda, and Simon? and are not his sisters here with us? And they were offended at him.
The real story
When he preached in his hometown, the neighbors couldn’t see past the local carpenter they grew up with. Mark says he “could there do no mighty work” there, apart from healing a few sick people (Mark 6:5).
Fact check
No verse has Mary asking him to fix the roof. That part is pure grandma energy.
Chapter 3
Keep the Party Going
A wedding, a fish fry, an expensive bottle of perfume, and a last cookout.
Not saying Jesus was Black but he did throw a party while having a warrant out for his arrest.
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[John 11:57] Now both the chief priests and the Pharisees had given a commandment, that, if any man knew where he were, he should shew it, that they might take him.
[John 12:2] There they made him a supper; and Martha served: but Lazarus was one of them that sat at the table with him.
The real story
After Jesus raised Lazarus from the dead, the religious leaders put out word to report where he was so they could arrest him. Six days before Passover he went right back to Bethany for a supper in his honor (John 12:1). Lazarus sat at the table, and Martha served.
Also in the comments
He basically threw himself a party before he got locked up. He black.
Bro had an active warrant and still said the function must go on like priorities were clearly in order
[John 21:9, 12] As soon then as they were come to land, they saw a fire of coals there, and fish laid thereon, and bread. … Jesus saith unto them, Come and dine.
The real story
After he rose, Jesus met his disciples on the shore of the Sea of Galilee. He had the fire going with fish and bread before they reached land. His first words were “Come and dine.”
Also in the comments
Still had the function!!! Threw a fish fry post resurrection. Elite.
[John 6:9] There is a lad here, which hath five barley loaves, and two small fishes: but what are they among so many?
[Matthew 14:20] And they did all eat, and were filled: and they took up of the fragments that remained twelve baskets full.
The real story
One boy’s lunch fed about five thousand men, “beside women and children” (Matthew 14:21). There were twelve baskets of leftovers. Nobody had to make a plate to go.
Also in the comments
…He knew how to make food stretch! Who else finna feed 5000 ppl with 2 fish and 5 loaves of bread
Remember when he got invited to a wedding in Cana and somehow ended up running the whole function.
[John 2:9–10] When the ruler of the feast had tasted the water that was made wine, and knew not whence it was… the governor of the feast called the bridegroom, And saith unto him, Every man at the beginning doth set forth good wine; and when men have well drunk, then that which is worse: but thou hast kept the good wine until now.
The real story
Running out of wine would have shamed the groom’s family. Jesus had servants fill six stone water jars, and the man in charge of the feast said the best wine had been saved for last. He was a guest, not the host, but he kept the family from being embarrassed.
Also in the comments
When the party started turning up and they ran out of liquor, my boy said bring me a gallon of water and watch this
But everyone gets invited to the cookout he throws
[Luke 14:21] …Then the master of the house being angry said to his servant, Go out quickly into the streets and lanes of the city, and bring in hither the poor, and the maimed, and the halt, and the blind.
The real story
In this parable, the people who were invited to a feast all made excuses. So the host sent for the poor, the disabled and the blind. That is who the table was set for.
And He didn’t care about breaking bread with the neighborhood scammers and the ladies of the night!!!
[Luke 15:2] And the Pharisees and scribes murmured, saying, This man receiveth sinners, and eateth with them.
[Matthew 21:31] …Verily I say unto you, That the publicans and the harlots go into the kingdom of God before you.
The real story
“Publicans” were tax collectors who worked for Rome and often overcharged their own people. The religious leaders complained about who Jesus ate with. He told them those same people were getting into God’s kingdom first.
Also in the comments
He was kickin it with the pimps and the prostitutes.
Nowhere to lay his head but had some woman crying and breaking a marble box of Tom Ford Oud on Him.
[Matthew 8:20] …The foxes have holes, and the birds of the air have nests; but the Son of man hath not where to lay his head.
[Mark 14:3, 6] …there came a woman having an alabaster box of ointment of spikenard very precious; and she brake the box, and poured it on his head. … And Jesus said, Let her alone; why trouble ye her? she hath wrought a good work on me.
The real story
Days before he died, a woman broke open a jar of perfume worth “more than three hundred pence” (Mark 14:5). A penny was a day’s pay (Matthew 20:2), so that bottle cost about a year’s wages. John names Judas as the one complaining (John 12:4–5). Jesus told everybody to leave her alone.
Also in the comments
Had a couple baddies “washing his feet”
Fact check
No baddies. These are two different women in two different stories: Mary of Bethany (John 12:3) and a woman known around town as “a sinner” (Luke 7:37–38). Both were worshipping, and he defended both.
[Luke 22:15] And he said unto them, With desire I have desired to eat this passover with you before I suffer.
The real story
The Last Supper was a Passover meal. Passover remembers how God freed Israel from slavery in Egypt. Jesus knew it was his last meal with his friends, and he told them he had been looking forward to it.
Also in the comments
And his last meal included his haters as well as his motivators.
Nxgga had a whole last cookout and STILL knew somebody was gonna snitch.
Chapter 4
The Crew
Twelve men, a lot of nicknames, one Honda, and one sword.
He was the leader of the gang called them Disciples
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[Mark 3:14] And he ordained twelve, that they should be with him, and that he might send them forth to preach.
The real story
Jesus chose twelve men first “that they should be with him,” and only then sent them out. The crew included fishermen, a tax collector (Matthew 9:9) and a political radical called Simon Zelotes (Luke 6:15).
Also in the comments
…Oh and he was rolling deep with 12 other negroes who was about that business
Had a crew of people who were felons in their own way. A killer, a money collector, etc
Fact check
The “money collector” is Matthew. The “killer” fits Saul, who hunted Christians (Acts 9:1) and became the apostle Paul. But Paul joined after the resurrection and was never one of the twelve.
Stayed renaming people! We ain’t calling you that no more, this is your nickname!
[Mark 3:16–17] And Simon he surnamed Peter; And James the son of Zebedee, and John the brother of James; and he surnamed them Boanerges, which is, The sons of thunder.
The real story
Simon became Peter, which means “rock.” Luke shows why James and John got their nickname. When a Samaritan village turned Jesus away, they asked to call fire down from heaven on it, and Jesus rebuked them (Luke 9:54–55).
Also in the comments
How about his homies wanting to rain fire down from heaven on the hood that dissed Jesus?
He did travel with his disciples in one Accord, we love a Honda.
[Acts 2:1] And when the day of Pentecost was fully come, they were all with one accord in one place.
The real story
“With one accord” is old English for “all together, all agreed.” The King James uses it again and again for the early church, starting with the disciples praying together after Jesus went up (Acts 1:14). Church folks have been telling this Honda joke for years.
Also in the comments
I meeeannn my mans drove a Honda Accord, stopped ERRRYTHANG to see who touched his clothes, and had to turn water into wine cuz the liquor store closes early on Sunday and yall know that’s his day to be lit !
Fact check
Honda launched the Accord in 1976. The disciples walked.
Sent his homies to get him a “commonwealth” donkey to ride to Jerusalem without paying a dime.
[Mark 11:2–3] …ye shall find a colt tied, whereon never man sat; loose him, and bring him. And if any man say unto you, Why do ye this? say ye that the Lord hath need of him; and straightway he will send him hither.
The real story
For his entry into Jerusalem, Jesus sent two disciples to untie a young donkey. When the owners asked, the disciples said what Jesus told them to, and the owners let it go (Mark 11:6). A king on a donkey instead of a war horse was the point: he came humble.
And his right-hand man Peter was strictly bout that action. Feds showed up to serve the warrant and Peter EXPEDITIOUSLY took a man’s ear off.
[John 18:10] Then Simon Peter having a sword drew it, and smote the high priest’s servant, and cut off his right ear. The servant’s name was Malchus.
[Luke 22:51] And Jesus answered and said, Suffer ye thus far. And he touched his ear, and healed him.
The real story
Jesus told Peter to stand down, then healed the ear of the man who came to arrest him. His last healing before the cross was for someone on the other side.
Also in the comments
When his one of his homies Peter who always strapped cut the ear off of the personal assistant to the High Priest, Malchus, and Jesus touched the ear and healed it. Jesus was like “Pete, we not about this tonight”.
He straight went off on his lookouts for falling asleep in the garden. Like: “Dang! Y’all supposed to be my boys and have back!”
[Matthew 26:40] And he cometh unto the disciples, and findeth them asleep, and saith unto Peter, What, could ye not watch with me one hour?
The real story
On the night of his arrest, Jesus asked Peter, James and John to stay awake and pray with him in Gethsemane. He came back more than once and found them asleep. He still went to face the arrest himself.
Also in the comments
He went awffff on his homies for not watching his back… Jesus: “So y’all gon leave me out there, y’all couldn’t look out for an hour !
His homie denied knowing him 3 times, needed not to say more
[Matthew 26:75] And Peter remembered the word of Jesus, which said unto him, Before the cock crow, thou shalt deny me thrice. And he went out, and wept bitterly.
[John 21:17] He saith unto him the third time, Simon, son of Jonas, lovest thou me? … Jesus saith unto him, Feed my sheep.
The real story
Peter swore three times that he didn’t know Jesus. After the resurrection, at that same fish breakfast by the lake, Jesus asked him three times, “lovest thou me?” One question for each denial, and then he put Peter back to work.
Had four brothers telling his story but each one different.
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[Luke 1:1, 3] Forasmuch as many have taken in hand to set forth in order a declaration of those things which are most surely believed among us… It seemed good to me also… to write unto thee in order…
The real story
Matthew, Mark, Luke and John each wrote for a different audience, so the details differ. Luke even opens by saying others had already written accounts before him.
Fact check
The four writers were not brothers. Four writers telling it four ways gives a fuller picture than one could.
Chapter 5
He Didn’t Bite His Tongue
Comebacks, parables, and reading folks to their face.
Told that lady the man she with wasn’t her husband either!
[John 4:17–18] The woman answered and said, I have no husband. Jesus said unto her, Thou hast well said, I have no husband: For thou hast had five husbands; and he whom thou now hast is not thy husband: in that saidst thou truly.
The real story
Jews and Samaritans usually kept apart (John 4:9), yet Jesus stopped to talk with this woman. He knew her whole history and spoke with her anyway. She ran back to town saying “Come, see a man, which told me all things that ever I did” (John 4:29), and many believed because of her (John 4:39). She became the first preacher in her town.
Also in the comments
Went into an enemy hood to straighten a woman out who was messing with 6 different dudes
Confronted a woman at a water well about all her “bodies” with no HUSBAND.
He called the woman at the well a TRICK. And cussed a useless tree for not having fruit while he was hungry
Fact check
He never called her names, whatever the comments say. Five husbands plus the man she had now makes six, so the math in the comments checks out, but they weren’t all at once.
Some random lady came up to him, asking him to help her by saving her demon-possessed daughter. Jesus stayed silent….because we don’t mess with no shit like that. Then, she kept pestering him so he called her a dog
[Matthew 15:26–28] But he answered and said, It is not meet to take the children’s bread, and to cast it to dogs. And she said, Truth, Lord: yet the dogs eat of the crumbs which fall from their masters’ table. Then Jesus answered and said unto her, O woman, great is thy faith: be it unto thee even as thou wilt. And her daughter was made whole from that very hour.
The real story
A Canaanite mother, not Jewish, begged him to heal her daughter. At first he “answered her not a word” (Matthew 15:23), then tested her with a hard line about bread for the children, not the dogs. She came right back: even dogs get the crumbs. He praised her faith in front of everybody, and her daughter was healed that hour.
Also in the comments
A lady was begging for help, Christ called her a dog and said he was sent to help his people (Israelites) and she admitted she was a dog but would settle for the crumbs. He was like alright I’ll give you a little somein
He called a kanite woman a bitch and whoop some ass in his daddy’s house…
Fact check
The word in the Bible is “dogs,” not the b-word. And the story ends with “O woman, great is thy faith,” which is high praise.
[Matthew 5:5] Blessed are the meek: for they shall inherit the earth.
The real story
This line is from the Sermon on the Mount, where Jesus flipped the usual idea of who wins. “Meek” means gentle and humble, the people the world walks over.
Referring to Herrod he said, “Go tell that fox, behold I cast out demons and perform cures today and tomorrow.” He basically said put some respect on my name.
[Luke 13:32] And he said unto them, Go ye, and tell that fox, Behold, I cast out devils, and I do cures to day and to morrow, and the third day I shall be perfected.
The real story
Some Pharisees warned Jesus that King Herod Antipas wanted to kill him. Jesus called the king a fox and said he would keep working on his own schedule.
My favorite story of Jesus is when the people said under whose authority was he behaving and he said “and who are you that I have to answer to you.” And then he walked away.
[Matthew 21:23, 27] …By what authority doest thou these things? and who gave thee this authority? … And they answered Jesus, and said, We cannot tell. And he said unto them, Neither tell I you by what authority I do these things.
The real story
The temple leaders tried to trap him. He answered with his own question: did John’s baptism come from heaven or from men? Either answer would cost them, so they said “We cannot tell.” Then he declined to answer theirs.
Fact check
He didn’t just walk off. He made them answer first, and they couldn’t.
Jesus did speak in parables lol. He’d tell you a story about some seeds, sheep, and a man getting jumped on the side of the road, and end it with “he who has ears, let him hear.” He was basically like IYKYK.
[Matthew 13:9–11] Who hath ears to hear, let him hear. And the disciples came, and said unto him, Why speakest thou unto them in parables? He answered and said unto them, Because it is given unto you to know the mysteries of the kingdom of heaven, but to them it is not given.
The real story
Parables are short stories with a hidden point. Anyone could hear the story, but only people who leaned in got the meaning. The man “getting jumped on the side of the road” is the Good Samaritan (Luke 10:30–37).
Also in the comments
Used to talk and riddles and when they asked why he said, the game is sold
He met up with THE reverend apostle pastor of the first church and wasn’t impressed. Told him it don’t mean nothing. He STILL gotta be born again!
[John 3:1, 3] There was a man of the Pharisees, named Nicodemus, a ruler of the Jews… Jesus answered and said unto him, Verily, verily, I say unto thee, Except a man be born again, he cannot see the kingdom of God.
The real story
Nicodemus was a top religious leader who came to Jesus at night. Jesus even teased him: “Art thou a master of Israel, and knowest not these things?” (John 3:10). Nicodemus came around. After the crucifixion, he brought about a hundred pounds of spices to help bury Jesus (John 19:39).
[Luke 10:41–42] And Jesus answered and said unto her, Martha, Martha, thou art careful and troubled about many things: But one thing is needful: and Mary hath chosen that good part, which shall not be taken away from her.
The real story
Martha was running the kitchen while her sister Mary sat listening to Jesus. When Martha complained, he answered gently and called her name twice. Hosting matters, but sitting with him mattered more.
Also in the comments
He knew what house to visit after a long trip. Martha gets misunderstood often, but the house was clean clean and hospitality on point.
Argued with the devil and told that ninja, you ain’t the dude you think you are. You can’t give me shit cuz my daddy take care of me. Fuck outta my face and the devil had to get his ass on. Lol
[Matthew 4:9–11] And saith unto him, All these things will I give thee, if thou wilt fall down and worship me. Then saith Jesus unto him, Get thee hence, Satan: for it is written, Thou shalt worship the Lord thy God, and him only shalt thou serve. Then the devil leaveth him, and, behold, angels came and ministered unto him.
The real story
After fasting forty days in the wilderness (Matthew 4:2), Jesus was offered every kingdom on earth for one bow. He answered every test with scripture. “Get thee hence” is King James for exactly what the comment said, and the devil left.
Also in the comments
…Then when the devil tried to temp him, he was like bruh this ain’t nothing compared to what I got
“Shake the dust off your sandals” You know a Black man ain’t going nowhere in dirty kicks!
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[Matthew 10:14] And whosoever shall not receive you, nor hear your words, when ye depart out of that house or city, shake off the dust of your feet.
The real story
When he sent the twelve out, Jesus told them not to stay where they weren’t welcome. Shaking off the dust meant: leave the rejection there and don’t carry it with you.
And he loved the hoes because he made all those people leave that one alone and said she can be saved
[John 8:7] So when they continued asking him, he lifted up himself, and said unto them, He that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone at her.
[John 8:10–11] …Woman, where are those thine accusers? hath no man condemned thee? She said, No man, Lord. And Jesus said unto her, Neither do I condemn thee: go, and sin no more.
The real story
Religious leaders dragged a woman caught in adultery in front of Jesus and asked if she should be stoned. He told whoever had no sin to throw first, and one by one they walked off. The law called for the man and the woman both (Leviticus 20:10), but only she was brought out.
Fact check
The Bible says adultery, not that she sold herself. He didn’t excuse it either: “go, and sin no more.” Many Bibles also note that this story is missing from the oldest copies of John.
Chapter 6
Not in My Daddy’s House
Tables, a fig tree, a fade, and two thousand pigs.
And he was flipping tables cuz ppl was disrespecting his daddy house
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[John 2:15–16] And when he had made a scourge of small cords, he drove them all out of the temple, and the sheep, and the oxen; and poured out the changers’ money, and overthrew the tables; And said unto them that sold doves, Take these things hence; make not my Father’s house an house of merchandise.
The real story
The temple courts had turned into a market. Traders sold animals for sacrifice, and money changers swapped coins at a profit. Jesus drove them out because a house of prayer had become a business.
Also in the comments
Listennnnn lindaaa!!! Cuz where you think “I’ll flip ALL this shit over” started from !
I knew he was black when he flipped the table over in the temple! Stop playing with Big OG
Saw what happened at his pops house went home...thought it over, made a plan and went back with with a weapon he crafted specifically to get the job done. The original switch
[Mark 11:11] And Jesus entered into Jerusalem, and into the temple: and when he had looked round about upon all things, and now the eventide was come, he went out unto Bethany with the twelve.
[Mark 11:15] And they come to Jerusalem: and Jesus went into the temple, and began to cast out them that sold and bought in the temple, and overthrew the tables of the moneychangers…
The real story
Mark tells it in exactly this order. Jesus walked into the temple, looked around at everything and left for the night. He came back the next day and cleared it out. John adds that he made the whip himself from cords (John 2:15).
Also in the comments
Whipped out a belt and quite literally started whoopin folks cause they was in His Pop’s crib acting a fool
Cursed out a fig tree bc He was hungry and it didn’t have any fruit just like I would do if I went to Popeyes’s and they didn’t have any chicken
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[Mark 11:13–14] And seeing a fig tree afar off having leaves, he came, if haply he might find any thing thereon: and when he came to it, he found nothing but leaves; for the time of figs was not yet. And Jesus answered and said unto it, No man eat fruit of thee hereafter for ever.
The real story
Mark wraps this story around the temple scene. Jesus curses the tree, clears the temple, and the next morning the tree is “dried up from the roots” (Mark 11:20). Many teachers read it as a picture of the temple: lots of leaves, no fruit.
Fact check
Mark notes “the time of figs was not yet.” So this was less “Popeyes ran out” and more “Popeyes wasn’t open yet.”
Exorcisms … tell the devil bring his punk a** outside … catch this fade. BLACK.
“Come outside!”
[Mark 1:25–26] And Jesus rebuked him, saying, Hold thy peace, and come out of him. And when the unclean spirit had torn him, and cried with a loud voice, he came out of him.
The real story
In a synagogue in Capernaum, a man with an unclean spirit started yelling at Jesus. Jesus told it to hush and come out, and it did. The crowd was stunned: “with authority commandeth he even the unclean spirits, and they do obey him” (Mark 1:27).
I knew Jesus was black when he took the demons from that man,put them into some pigs and made the pigs jump off a cliff. We ain’t never liked swine
[Mark 5:13] And forthwith Jesus gave them leave. And the unclean spirits went out, and entered into the swine: and the herd ran violently down a steep place into the sea, (they were about two thousand;) and were choked in the sea.
The real story
Jesus freed a man tormented by many demons, who begged to be sent into a nearby herd of pigs. Under the Law of Moses, pigs were “unclean” (Leviticus 11:7), so a herd of two thousand signals this was non-Jewish country. Jesus crossed that line to free one man.
Fact check
The demons asked to go into the pigs, and Jesus “gave them leave.” He didn’t pick the pigs himself.
Yoooooo, and my guy couldn’t swim. Fam literally did the impossible to avoid getting in the water
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[Matthew 14:25] And in the fourth watch of the night Jesus went unto them, walking on the sea.
[Matthew 14:29–31] …And when Peter was come down out of the ship, he walked on the water, to go to Jesus. But when he saw the wind boisterous, he was afraid; and beginning to sink, he cried, saying, Lord, save me. And immediately Jesus stretched forth his hand, and caught him…
The real story
Sometime between 3 and 6 a.m., Jesus walked out to the disciples’ boat in a storm. Peter asked to come too and really did walk on water. He started sinking only when he took his eyes off Jesus and looked at the wind.
Also in the comments
He also walked on water so his hair wouldn’t get wet
A whole ass storm on the ocean and he was taking a nap. The Blacks dont be doing all that moving around when it’s storming
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[Mark 4:38–39] And he was in the hinder part of the ship, asleep on a pillow: and they awake him, and say unto him, Master, carest thou not that we perish? And he arose, and rebuked the wind, and said unto the sea, Peace, be still. And the wind ceased, and there was a great calm.
The real story
Several of the disciples were professional fishermen, and even they thought the boat was going down. Jesus was asleep on a cushion in the back. He calmed the storm, then asked them, “how is it that ye have no faith?” (Mark 4:40).
Also in the comments
Went to sleep in the storm. Because “be quiet and let the lord do His work”
And read the disciples for filth after waking him up during the storm, “ye of lil faith”
Jesus told that man pick your mat up and walk. No physical therapy, no follow-up appointment, just get up gang
[Mark 2:4–5] And when they could not come nigh unto him for the press, they uncovered the roof where he was: and when they had broken it up, they let down the bed wherein the sick of the palsy lay. When Jesus saw their faith, he said unto the sick of the palsy, Son, thy sins be forgiven thee.
[Mark 2:11] I say unto thee, Arise, and take up thy bed, and go thy way into thine house.
The real story
Four friends couldn’t get through the crowd, so they dug through the roof and lowered their paralyzed friend down. Mark says Jesus acted when he “saw their faith,” meaning the friends’ faith. The man walked out carrying his own mat.
Also in the comments
Dude healed a paralyzed man cuz he was impressed by his boys doing the most lowering him through a roof. “Damn yall wild for this! You know what, you good. Now take yo ass home and let me finish what i was doing”
I mean the crib was so packed the dudes had to climb on the roof just to lower they friend in that jank… errrrrbody and they momma was up in there.
Stopped a whole crowd to find out who touched his coat.
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[Mark 5:30] And Jesus, immediately knowing in himself that virtue had gone out of him, turned him about in the press, and said, Who touched my clothes?
[Mark 5:34] And he said unto her, Daughter, thy faith hath made thee whole; go in peace, and be whole of thy plague.
The real story
A woman had been bleeding for twelve years (Mark 5:25), and under the law that made her an outcast. She touched his clothes in the crowd and was healed. Jesus was on his way to a dying girl, yet he stopped everything to find this woman and called her “Daughter.”
Chapter 8
CP Time
Late on purpose, and coming back on his own schedule.
[John 11:6] When he had heard therefore that he was sick, he abode two days still in the same place where he was.
[John 11:17] Then when Jesus came, he found that he had lain in the grave four days already.
The real story
Jesus waited two more days on purpose. When he arrived, Martha met him with “Lord, if thou hadst been here, my brother had not died” (John 11:21). Jesus wept (John 11:35). Then he called “Lazarus, come forth” (John 11:43), and a man four days dead walked out of the tomb.
Also in the comments
Said He was on the way to Lazarus but didn’t even leave yet
Mind you he told Lazarus to get his ass up cause ain’t nothing wrong with him. You know you can’t have a “disability” around black folks.
And the lesson, also from the commentsHe’s also not always there when you call- but somehow he IS right on time…
Now that you mention it, he DID say he would be right back and then we never saw him again. I do that at every function
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[John 14:3] And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again, and receive you unto myself; that where I am, there ye may be also.
[2 Peter 3:8–9] …one day is with the Lord as a thousand years, and a thousand years as one day. The Lord is not slack concerning his promise, as some men count slackness; but is longsuffering to us-ward, not willing that any should perish…
The real story
People were already asking “what’s taking so long?” in Peter’s day. His answer: God counts time differently, and the wait is mercy. It gives more people time to come home.
Also in the comments
The originator of CP Time. Said, “I’ll be right back,” and we are still waiting.
He’s been telling us “He’s coming” for the last 2000 years. That man been on CP time.
“Ayo Jesus when you comin back?” “Ay bruh I ain’t tellin NOBODY” *ascends to the heavens*
[Acts 1:7] And he said unto them, It is not for you to know the times or the seasons, which the Father hath put in his own power.
[Acts 1:9] And when he had spoken these things, while they beheld, he was taken up; and a cloud received him out of their sight.
The real story
Right before he went up, the disciples asked if this was the moment. He told them the timing was not theirs to know, and gave them a job instead: be his witnesses (Acts 1:8). He had already said not even the angels know the day (Matthew 24:36).
He did say he was gonna pop up like a thief in the night
[1 Thessalonians 5:2] For yourselves know perfectly that the day of the Lord so cometh as a thief in the night.
The real story
Paul’s point isn’t to scare anyone. A thief doesn’t text first, so stop guessing dates and live ready: “let us watch and be sober” (1 Thessalonians 5:6).
[Matthew 26:14–15] Then one of the twelve, called Judas Iscariot, went unto the chief priests, And said unto them, What will ye give me, and I will deliver him unto you? And they covenanted with him for thirty pieces of silver.
[John 13:26–27] …And when he had dipped the sop, he gave it to Judas Iscariot… Then said Jesus unto him, That thou doest, do quickly.
The real story
Judas was already stealing from the group’s money bag (John 12:6). At supper Jesus told the table, “one of you shall betray me” (Matthew 26:21). He knew it was Judas, handed him bread anyway, and told him to go do what he came to do.
Also in the comments
He knew Judas was wearing a wire and still passed him the bread.
Told His two-faced opp to His face “hurry up and do what you came here to do”
Cmon man, his closest homies was thieves, killers, thugs.. and one of em got jealous and snaked em cause he ain’t get the same kinda love.. Sound like ni**ativites to me… Judas musta been light skinned..
Got a few little drinks in him and started looking at his niggas different.
Bro really said “if they’re looking for me, they can find me at the function.”
[John 18:4–5] Jesus therefore, knowing all things that should come upon him, went forth, and said unto them, Whom seek ye? They answered him, Jesus of Nazareth. Jesus saith unto them, I am he…
The real story
He didn’t hide or run. When the crowd came at night with weapons, he stepped forward to meet them. Then he pointed out they could have arrested him any day in the temple: “I sat daily with you teaching in the temple, and ye laid no hold on me” (Matthew 26:55).
Also in the comments
“I hear you looking for me”
Basically was like imma make the police do they job!
I’m not saying Jesus was Black but he was arrested for some trumped up charges and executed after a sham trial.
[Mark 14:55–56] And the chief priests and all the council sought for witness against Jesus to put him to death; and found none. For many bare false witness against him, but their witness agreed not together.
The real story
The council already wanted a death sentence and went looking for a reason. The witnesses lied, and their stories didn’t match. Even Pilate, the Roman governor, said “I find no fault in this man” (Luke 23:4).
[Luke 23:2] And they began to accuse him, saying, We found this fellow perverting the nation, and forbidding to give tribute to Cæsar, saying that he himself is Christ a King.
The real story
The temple leaders stacked three charges for Pilate: stirring up the nation, telling people not to pay taxes to Caesar, and claiming to be a king. The tax charge was a flat lie. He had said “Render therefore unto Cæsar the things which be Cæsar’s” (Luke 20:25).
Fact check
Herod didn’t bring the charges. He mocked Jesus, put a fancy robe on him and sent him back to Pilate (Luke 23:11).
Everyone loved him too, until he got arrested, then they all said “he did it”. Without any proof.
[Matthew 21:9] And the multitudes that went before, and that followed, cried, saying, Hosanna to the Son of David…
[Matthew 27:22] Pilate saith unto them, What shall I do then with Jesus which is called Christ? They all say unto him, Let him be crucified.
The real story
Within one week, crowds in the same city went from “Hosanna” to “Let him be crucified.” Mark says the chief priests worked the crowd (Mark 15:11). Even his closest friends “all forsook him, and fled” (Mark 14:50).
Also, remember that a Jury of His so called “Peers” convicted him of a crime he didn’t commit and let the Brotha who actually did his crime walk Free!!!
[Mark 15:7] And there was one named Barabbas, which lay bound with them that had made insurrection with him, who had committed murder in the insurrection.
The real story
Pilate offered to free one prisoner for the feast. The crowd picked Barabbas, a man jailed for murder during an uprising (Matthew 27:21). Pilate, “willing to content the people,” let him go and handed Jesus over (Mark 15:15).
Fact check
Barabbas didn’t do Jesus’ crime, because Jesus had none. The guilty man walked free and the innocent man took his place, which is the gospel in one scene.
Walked to his crucifixion barefoot so he wouldn’t crease his Js.
[John 19:23–24] Then the soldiers, when they had crucified Jesus, took his garments, and made four parts, to every soldier a part; and also his coat: now the coat was without seam, woven from the top throughout. They said therefore among themselves, Let us not rend it, but cast lots for it, whose it shall be…
The real story
The soldiers split his clothes four ways. His coat was woven in one piece, so instead of tearing it they gambled for it. John points back to a psalm written centuries earlier: “They part my garments among them, and cast lots upon my vesture” (Psalm 22:18).
Fact check
The Bible never says whether he was barefoot. It does say the soldiers walked off with his clothes.
And told his boy on calvary with him, “When you get to the door. Tell em you with me.”
[Luke 23:43] And Jesus said unto him, Verily I say unto thee, To day shalt thou be with me in paradise.
The real story
Two criminals were crucified beside him. One mocked him. The other said, “Lord, remember me when thou comest into thy kingdom” (Luke 23:42). With no time left to earn anything, he got a promise of paradise that same day.
Not to bring the vibe down but he also died in the blackest way possible. Arm up, his mother weeping at his feet. Killed by “the law”.
[John 19:25] Now there stood by the cross of Jesus his mother, and his mother’s sister, Mary the wife of Cleophas, and Mary Magdalene.
[Luke 23:34] Then said Jesus, Father, forgive them; for they know not what they do…
The real story
This is where the book stops joking for a page. Mary watched her son die. From the cross he made sure she would be cared for, telling John “Behold thy mother!” (John 19:27). And he prayed for the men killing him. Peter later preached it in words that land hard here: “whom ye slew and hanged on a tree” (Acts 5:30).
Also in the comments
And was killed the blackest way possible, hung and killed on a tree
Chapter 10
Couldn’t Hold Him Down
Sunday morning, and a lot of folks who didn’t believe it.
[Luke 24:36] And as they thus spake, Jesus himself stood in the midst of them, and saith unto them, Peace be unto you.
[Acts 2:24] Whom God hath raised up, having loosed the pains of death: because it was not possible that he should be holden of it.
The real story
The disciples were hiding behind locked doors when he appeared in the room (John 20:19). They thought they were seeing a ghost (Luke 24:37). Weeks later Peter preached that death simply couldn’t hold him.
Also in the comments
And rose in 3 days. I mean they couldn’t hold a good 🥷 down could they
Gave niggas 3 days before he came back from the dead and stunted !
not saying Jesus was Black, but when he reunited with his clique after his resurrection, his greeting to them was “peace.”
His best album came out after he died. Then there are rumors he ain’t dead.
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[Matthew 28:13, 15] Saying, Say ye, His disciples came by night, and stole him away while we slept. … So they took the money, and did as they were taught: and this saying is commonly reported among the Jews until this day.
[1 Corinthians 15:6] After that, he was seen of above five hundred brethren at once; of whom the greater part remain unto this present, but some are fallen asleep.
The real story
The tomb guards were paid to say the body was stolen, and Matthew says that story was still going around when he wrote. Paul’s answer, about two decades later: over five hundred people saw him alive at once, and most of them were still around to ask. And yes, every Gospel and letter in the New Testament “dropped” after the resurrection.
Also in the comments
My favorite part of the Bible is that HUNDREDS of mfs claim they saw Jesus walking through the city after the Crucifixion! Just like Pac
He genuinely liked and trusted women, heck he told them I’ll be back, and the first one that saw him was a woman and he said “yo”, go tell my brothers I’m back” those dummies didn’t believe her.
[John 20:17–18] …but go to my brethren, and say unto them, I ascend unto my Father, and your Father; and to my God, and your God. Mary Magdalene came and told the disciples that she had seen the Lord…
[Luke 24:11] And their words seemed to them as idle tales, and they believed them not.
The real story
Mary Magdalene was the first person to see him risen (Mark 16:9), and he sent her to tell the men. In a time when a woman’s word often counted for little, every Gospel names women as the first witnesses. The men called it “idle tales” until they saw for themselves.
Died. Then went to the void to tell Satan “It smell like bitch in here”, while freeing captive souls on his way out.
[1 Peter 3:18–19] …being put to death in the flesh, but quickened by the Spirit: By which also he went and preached unto the spirits in prison.
[Ephesians 4:8] Wherefore he saith, When he ascended up on high, he led captivity captive, and gave gifts unto men.
The real story
A few verses hint at what happened between Friday and Sunday. Peter says he “preached unto the spirits in prison,” and Paul says he “led captivity captive.” The church has long called this the harrowing of hell, and many versions of the Apostles’ Creed say he “descended into hell.”
Fact check
The Bible doesn’t give us the conversation. What exactly happened in those three days is one of the most debated passages in the New Testament.
Corner
Fact-Check Corner
Funny enough to keep, but the Bible doesn’t back them the way the thread thought. Each one still teaches something.
His hair was like wool, Feet were bronze. Revelation 1:14-15. Sounds like a brotha with locs to me
[Revelation 1:14–15] His head and his hairs were white like wool, as white as snow; and his eyes were as a flame of fire; And his feet like unto fine brass, as if they burned in a furnace; and his voice as the sound of many waters.
The real story
This is John’s vision of the risen Christ in glory, not a description of how Jesus looked on earth. “Like wool” is about color, “white like wool, as white as snow,” the same picture Daniel uses for God (Daniel 7:9). The feet glow like brass in a furnace, which is fire, not a skin tone.
Also in the comments
And his hair “was like wool” baby that was 4c!!!
Real talk
The Gospels never describe Jesus’ looks. He was a Jewish man from Galilee in the first century, so he most likely had the brown skin and dark hair of the people around him. The blond, blue-eyed Jesus came from European painters, not scripture. So the thread’s real point stands, just on better evidence.
He also had a side piece named Mary Magdalene..under cover
[Luke 8:2–3] And certain women, which had been healed of evil spirits and infirmities, Mary called Magdalene, out of whom went seven devils, And Joanna the wife of Chuza Herod’s steward, and Susanna, and many others, which ministered unto him of their substance.
The real story
The Bible says Jesus freed Mary Magdalene from seven demons, and she then traveled with him and helped pay for the ministry out of her own pocket. She stayed at the cross when most of the men ran, and she was the first to see him risen.
Real talk
Nowhere is she called a prostitute or his partner. The prostitute idea came from a sermon by Pope Gregory I in 591, which mixed her up with the unnamed “sinner” of Luke 7. The Catholic Church itself separated the two in 1969.
Now, have you ever tried to get a table full of black people to take a picture? Any more than 4 of us and it take 10 minutes to stop talking and making jokes to take a picture. Noooowww get 13 of us. He must’ve been sitting there forever like “Forget it, I’m just about to start drawing. I ain’t got time for this”
[John 13:23] Now there was leaning on Jesus’ bosom one of his disciples, whom Jesus loved.
The real story
The famous picture with everyone on one side of a long table is Leonardo da Vinci’s painting from the 1490s, nearly 1,500 years later. At the real supper they reclined around a low table, close enough that John leaned on Jesus. Nobody posed.
Also in the comments
And had all his people sitting on one side of the table so the gossiping people watching wasn’t so loud
If you read The Gospel of Thomas (his brother) Jesus was a YN…. Killed a boy for accidentally bumping into him.
[Luke 2:52] And Jesus increased in wisdom and stature, and in favour with God and man.
The real story
That story comes from the Infancy Gospel of Thomas, written in the 100s, generations after Jesus. No church ever put it in the Bible, and it isn’t the same book as the Gospel of Thomas, which is a list of sayings. The Bible’s only story from his growing-up years is Luke 2:41–52, where he is twelve and asking questions in the temple.
Also in the comments
Read the infancy gospel of Thomas. Jesus was a goon
Real talk
Thomas the disciple wasn’t his brother. Mark 6:3 names the brothers as James, Joses, Juda and Simon.
Put the root on lots wife and turned her into a pillar of salt! Now she’s really an ole salty broad!!
[Genesis 19:17, 26] …Escape for thy life; look not behind thee… But his wife looked back from behind him, and she became a pillar of salt.
The real story
Wrong Testament. This is in Genesis, from Abraham’s time, long before Jesus was born. Angels led Lot’s family out of Sodom and told them not to look back. Jesus did bring her up once, as a warning: “Remember Lot’s wife” (Luke 17:32).
Credits
Every joke in this book was written by these people in the replies to @agunbreezzy’s post on Threads, October 2026. Numbers are entry numbers; FC is the Fact-Check Corner.